Movie #56 2021: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

Why? I was really out here quite enjoying the X-Men franchise, and then you hit me with this? I can think of nothing to say except sbiwehfiwepgvnrbojeoh.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine is the first in a trilogy of Wolverine movies. I’ll tell you right now that I had to look up the synopsis for this one to recall what the fuck happened in it – that’s how insubstantial it is in the grand scheme of things. Honestly, the title tells you all you need to know. It’s the origin of The Wolverine. Where did he come from? Who is his family? How did he get that crazy ass exoskeleton? This movie answers all of those questions… in the most boring manner humanly possible. Basically, his girlfriend died and Logan (then known as James) goes out on a mission to avenge her death. Little do we know – unless you’ve read the comic books – that his brother is also a mutant, and a grade A asshole. Needless to say, it all becomes a big snooze from there.

Okay, there are some good things about this movie, but they’re far and few between. Namely, the opening sequence with Logan fighting in every war from the American Civil War onwards is pretty cool and an action-filled, exciting way to be begin… Unfortunately, it all goes downhill from there. 

I will stress though that it’s not even the performances that are bad. Hugh Jackman is as delightful as ever, even when the writers butcher his character and take away any spirit he’s supposed to have. Even Will.I.Am is a lot less cringeworthy than I anticipated. However, whoever put Liev Schreiber in the role of Sabretooth needs putting in the bin. Whilst Schreiber is great in many of his other roles, he’s utterly unsuited to this one, even if those fangs do look good on him.

Roger Ebert said “Why should I care about this guy? He feels no pain and nothing can kill him, so therefore he’s essentially a story device for action sequences.” And he’s correct. Let’s face it, the only thing we cared about was how Wolverine got his exoskeleton – a sequence that could have been easily inserted into any other X-Men movie so we didn’t have to sit through this bland, overly long revenge/sibling rivalry story. 

You know I’m a fair person. I’ll admit that there are a couple of brilliant action sequences. Watching Jackman fly out of an exploding barn on a motorbike is perhaps the coolest thing I’ve seen him do thus far. The execution of some of the effects is terrible however, and one good scene amongst a bunch of awful ones is not good enough, especially in a movie with such a high budget. (How these people can’t even get a green screen right is beyond me.)

Overall? It’s just a waste of time and resources. You could probably combine this with the next Wolverine movie rather than drag it out across two.

Oh well, on to X-Men: First Class I go! (Eventually.)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine is available to stream on Disney+ in the UK.

TQR Category Ratings:

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Overall Rating: ½

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